Carving Out New Grooves In My Brain
[Another automatic-writing-majigg from sometime last week. I don’t know, should I be dating these things? Does anyone care? I don’t think I do.]
[…] I try and I still can’t feel what you’re saying, though I can see it clear as day. i hear it like a bell ringing empty of love, devoid of depth. what heartless place do you speak from? cold and calculating, i respect you but go away. don’t interfere here ever again. i have seen both paths, the cold, dark, barren one and the warm, breezy, flourishing golden path of the heart. you know i have to choose the heart now, because i’ve been down the other way, farther than i like to admit. i had a bit of a back-treck to make for awhile. it was more trecherous and yet more joyous on the way back, if you could call it joyous? less devoid of joy. there was a hope. there was a sense of increasing warmth. the return was a return to my humanity. i mistook the path of cold and dark for the path toward god. and I was not wrong. but i was not right. and this path of the heart, it’s the one i desire now, but i’m wise enough despite it all to wait and listen before making my final move. i will not be the pendulum swinging from one way to the other, one falsehood to the other, one lie to another, endlessly. that’s been done to death. i will no longer engage in the poet wars. i will be the free poet who doesn’t call herself poet, because she’s more than that. i love you i love you i love you, you ought to know this. i couldnt say it before, but now, the path of the heart is in sight and i can love you today. but don’t take it the wrong way.
i’ve got a better choice: i will walk between the two paths. it is a high ridge which seperates and connects them. i will walk this nonpath to find the place where they come together again at the other end. but wait, here I am , at the fork in the road, the fork in the road is the destination. but it is a place of indecision so how can that be? it is the place where both connect but yet they lead somewhere — or do they lead backwards into ignorance and duality? it’s like the way we’re born — we are born at the destination, but we do not know what it means until we venture away from it. to reach your destination is to return home, but to face the other way, away from the split, with duality behind you and freedom in front. are we all looking the wrong way? freedom has no paths. it is open and clear, it is interconnected at every point. things are the way they are. one thing does not have to negate another. but you must then make a choice in every second, not between two distinct and narrow paths, paths that lead you, so that you do not lead yourself. no. here, you lead yourself. every direction is open. every step is a conscious and autonomous decision you make in freedom. and it is lonely here. each path in the backwards realm of duality is at least not a lonely one. each thinks it is the path less traveled, but each mistakes itself for the true path less traveled — the path of freedom — actual real freedom — which is no path at all — which is where every path leads, when you are walking your path in the right direction — home. but everyone is walking in the wrong direction, going further and further and further into their narrow tunnel and further away from truth. wrong, though, is the wrong word. lessons can be learned in every place, of course, and there are paths for those who need paths. when they need freedom (and are ready for it), they will know which direction to go.
I must stop concerning myself about paths and directions and simply follow my own compass where it leads. i am hesitant and reserved. i feel uncreative and ignorant. i want so badly to stop writing this, to hide in distraction, to escape facing my limited abilities. i am pushing through a tangled web of knots in my stomach and carving out new grooves in my brain. but they will be easier to traverse the next time. i will be easier to be with the next time.
my cat reassures me with a head butt that i’m on the right track. it is a head butt of encouragement and love.
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13 Responses to “Carving Out New Grooves In My Brain”
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Brooke,
I’ve been watching the weather lately, which is a metaphor I suppose but not really, and I’ve been cautious to comment recently to allow growth to have it’s way, and in the same deep breath which is always a good thing to take, a good deep breath, I heard you exhale with your words above. Now I’m not a person who tends to believe in organizations except maybe a good hockey team, though definitely not politics, religion or bullshit facades for the poor, but I do believe in the discovery of oneself and acceptance of others too. I thought to myself, this is a song in the making what you’ve written, and this is a good thing. I tip my hat to you Brooke, and would like to whisper, take the left or the right at the fork on the road, it will work out either way.
Peace
Markus
Thanks Markus. You’re a poetic soul.
…. and so are you ….
I think this is the closest I’ve come to really ‘channeling’ in a long time. It has that certain fragrance to it.
“…should I be dating these things?”
As long as it’s posted within a month, the date of the post is more accurate than most national holidays. (That’s my rationale for not correcting the date on one of my YT sessions.)
And if they happen to base a national holiday on the date of either one of your automatic writing sessions or one of my YT sessions, we should be so lucky.
Hello brooke
I was watching your youtube video where you are singing “little red riding hood” and I was wanting to find out from you if it would be possible to get a copy from you signing the song and performing it on video again.
I am filming a independant movie in June and I am looking for that perfect voice and music and you have that voice and perform the music.
I am wanting to use it for the final credits.
The film will premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in 2009. and I was hoping I could get you to sing that song for the final credits.
I am willing to pay of course!
Sincerely,
Sandor
Wow Sandor. Intrigued… I’ll email you.
Hello again.
So does that mean you are interrested?
oh no! I’m sorry Sandor, I forgot to email you. I’m totally interested. I’ll catch you in email land shortly and we can ‘hash things out’.
Hi again!
I guess you are really busy with your career and all.
Well I do hope that I can catch up with you.
I am really excited that you are willing to let me use your music.
I look forward to your e-mail.
Do you have my e-mail?
Hey Sandor. Sorry about that. I’ll email you right now!
Dude! Your email is “permanently undeliverable”. Email me instead. My email address is brooke (d0t) snt @ gmail (d0t com).
I sent you an E-mail I was wondering if it went through?
I had one sent back to me so if you can let me know. thanx
Sandor