Honor Thy Parents?
I’m reading A.J. Jacobs’ book, “The Year of Living Biblically” (which I recommend), and I have to interject something.
I’m at the part where A.J.’s aunt Kate witnesses his son, Jasper calling him “A.J.”. She disapprovingly remarks, “Children aren’t supposed to use their parents’ first names. It’s disrespectful.”
A.J. writes:
“She’s probably right; in biblical times, there was no such thing as an informal, I’m-friends-with-my-kid father. Without me knowing it, Jasper was violating the ‘honor your parents’ commandment.”
Bla. I disagree. I mean, maybe he is one of those “I want to be my kid’s friend even if it works to his potential detriment because really I’m just afraid to use discipline” pansy-type fathers, I don’t know. But just being on a first-name basis with your kid doesn’t automatically mean that’s the case. Nor does a kid calling his parents by their first names show disrespect.
If anything, you honor your parents more by calling them by their first names — by acknowledging them as individuals with complex identities, histories, hopes and dreams of their own, not just the ones centered around you. Calling them ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ exclusively is reducing them to only the role they play in relation to you, just as if they were to call you ‘Son’ or ‘Daughter’ exclusively.
Words are hypnotic. You are lulling each other into the familiar comfort of habitual roles and behavior patterns. You are one-dimensionalizing each other, type-casting each other. You are reinforcing limits around your relationships (some of which, I realize, are there for good reason, but not all) and the identities of each individual involved.
Maybe it has something to do with my weird beliefs which I won’t go into, but which include reincarnation (sort of). I don’t think my biological parents ‘created’ me any more than I created them. We came together to help each other out and maybe because we are friends at another level. Or enemies. Maybe they were my kids last time. That would explain a lot. Who knows, but we’re all sovereign beings.
You don’t have to believe in reincarnation (even sort of) to realize that people are not born blank slates and then merely molded by their earthly creators. Parents are the first and strongest influences on the child’s ego, but we’re more than our egos, and nobody owns anybody, and there’s more to the picture. I can’t prove that but I know it.
And as a parent, placed in such a position of influence, I would want to help instill a strong sense of sovereignty and independence in the developing ego I’ve been entrusted with, not dependency (or codependency — parents can get awfully attached to the parent-child dynamic, too, and that’s not good for anybody).
That said, I address my parents by the standard, socially acceptable labels. It’s how they grew up, it’s how I grew up, it’s habit, it’s what they want to be called. Of course now my husband’s Mom wants me to call her ‘mom’ too, which I do when I remember to, though reluctantly (it feels really weird to me), out of respect for her wishes if not for her individuality, or mine.
Reinforcing role-relationships… and inequalities within them. Most people don’t even think about this, so I don’t hold it against anybody. I’m just sayin’. Being on a first-name basis signifies equality and mutual respect. It reminds both involved that even if you’re playing different roles in relation to each other, they are just roles and you are not those roles, you’re both just people.
My kid(s) will call me Brooke. And yeah, maybe sometimes I’ll have them call me ‘Our Lord’, like on Tuesdays or something. But I’ll let them pick special titles they want to be called sometimes, too. I want them to develop warped senses of humor, after all.
Coming up next!
(or whenever I feel like it!)
(probably never.)
Psychological Experimentation On Your Child: How to Get the Most Personal Amusement While Doing the Least Possible Damage to Your Child’s Fragile Psyche.
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21 Responses to “Honor Thy Parents?”
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I’m friends with my Mom. But I call her Mom. I think maybe I think of her as more of a Mom and she thinks of me as more of a friend. She’d be fine wth the first name thing, but I think what it was with me was that I wanted more formality as a kid, because I felt adrift growing up, in terms of a family structure. I was a real stickler with titles, never calling my step parents Mom or Dad. But that’s just a weird quirk on my part, because in reality I am very informal.
I think with the ancients though, one thing to consider is that they had a different ego dynamic and weren’t as individuated as people are now. So in a sense they didn’t recognize others as unique individuals because they didn’t see themselves that way. Their identity was more of a group identity.
Yeah, I know there are all kinds of personal and historical elements to take into account which I didn’t. I think in ideals a lot, I guess, which is where this is coming from.
Whatever the reasons things are the way they are or have been the way they have been throughout history, or why some kids even prefer formal titles, it doesn’t mean that using formal titles, in and of itself, is necessarily serving the purposes people think it is, or that not doing so will cause the kinds of problems people worry it will.
Ultimately it does come down to personal preference I guess. I prefer the first-name-basis thing, you don’t and that’s cool.
The unfortunate thing is people often confuse ‘preference’ with habit (what feels most comfortable / familiar), and that’s how some really f’d up ‘traditions’ and prejudices get passed down through way too many generations. But people can raise their kids however they want, for better or worse. Look at ‘Jesus Camp‘.
I’m friends with my Mom too, and I call her Mumsy. She’s the best!
You have fullfilled one of my lifetime goals!
A counsellor once asked me, “When you are at the end of your life, what do you want to look back and see?” and I said, ” That I was best friends with my kids when they became adults, not just their Mom.” Thanks, Brooke!
What?! I call my mum Mumsy too! And she’s one of my dearest friends.
High five brother! That’s pretty weird. :)
What does this mean :) ?
We both have an obsession with British accents and British ways of saying things? I know I do!
Hey guys, Marcia = my Mumsy by the way, in case you didn’t put 2+2 together. And to get an idea of how totally cool she is, just consider this: she’s a regular frequenter of my blog. Need I say more?
While I agree that all people have complex roles in live and therefore branches ones identity. It is a given they should know our full names for various reasons. As a parent we should teach those various roles to our children… I do not however agree with that they should call us by our first names. My eldest sister allowed her children to do so, and they learned by doing so to disrespect her by doing just that. It completely back fired into blatant disrespect and irreverent mockery. Parents like other adults should be addressed respectfully. Hopefully the respect is earned but that’s a whole other topic.
Fair enough. I don’t quite agree, though.
Question: why should we teach those various roles (as rigid, real true realities) to our children, exactly? and how do you know for sure that it was the first name thing, specifically, and not a lack of discipline or some other type (or more likely combination of types) of sloppy parenting that created the little demon child?
Here’s something interesting: My brother was a little demon child (though now he’s turned his life around and become awesome!), I mean serious, fear-inspiring demon child. And he called Marcia “Mom” and Al “Dad” just like the rest of us. Meanwhile, I was super ridiculously good and responsible. My sister kind of fluctuated in between. So we covered the whole spectrum.
You can’t make generalizations about how a kid is going to turn out based on something like a name. There’s SO SO SO much more to it than that.
Yes there most certainly is so much more to it. I offered one example as to why I feel the way I do. I know my sister is a pretty good Mom, I get that you or others do not. The reason children should acquire the knowledge that parents have other roles or an aspect to their person is it brings about the realization of just that.It doesn’t change the fact they are a parent,the emphasis was on the person,people roles…the definement of them.
I don’t really understand how we disagree then. I guess by my own logic in my last comment, the decision as to whether to have your kids address you by a parental title or by your first name isn’t really, by itself, a huge factor one way or the other. That was sort of my point in the first place, but I guess I kind of made a big deal out of it, so it might have seemed otherwise.
Thanks for the spark of clarifying thought. :)
We are all just people Brooke,Live and learn I always say. You Welcome and Thank you for your points as well. *L*
i use to call my dad by his firstname but not my mom. then again i never really had a good talk with my dad even though i felt closest to him than to my mom.
i think you should refer to your parents by their titles (mom and dad) but it has nothing to do with respect. its the same way you’d seperate a bestfriend from a boyfriend. you may treat them with the same respect but one has more priviledges than the other.
a parent plays a more involved role than just a person whos taking care of you. thats my opinion anyway
wow i just realized my grammar sucks haha
-Lucifer
I know what you’re saying, Luce. The thing is.. you don’t call your friend “friend”, your girlfriend “girlfriend”, your husband “husband”, etc. except when you’re introducing them to someone else or talking about them to someone else. Those are titles, used to refer to their relationship to you, but not the same as names, which are what we call each other.
It’s interesting though, that elder family members are the exception to this. It certainly can be argued that there’s good reason to make that exception. Though it can also be argued that it started for some completely different reason that’s fallen away and we’ve just kept on creating reasons to rationalize our tradition/cultural habits…
Someone should research the history. Not me though because I don’t have time, but if you do, please share your findings here!
Also interesting: it’s common for a parent, particularly a dad to call his son “son” in place of his name, yet it’s very rare that a female child gets called “daughter”. What up with that?
Speaking of boy/girlfriend vs. just-friend status, there is a connection there now that I think about it.
Usually we call our boyfriend/husband girlfriend/wife a pet name in place of their given name. It signifies an extra special, close, exclusive relationship, calling them a name that they only are to you and no one else. I can see Mom/Dad titles as serving that kind of purpose, which is a good enough reason.
about the “dad calling his son “son”" thing i think its because women weren’t that important back back BACCK in the day. i mean the father was usually the one to take care of the family and ruled over everyone in the household or whatever.
its only natural(for back then) that a father would value his son (future successor) rather than his daughter who would probably be sold to another family so she could be someones bride.
this isnt the case in todays age though. my uncle loves his daughter more than anything..as for why he doesnt call her daughter? i dont know..maybe its too long of a word. just a theory
again, my grammar sucks
dont shoot!
shot through the heart! and you’re to blame, darlin you give love…
………………a bad name.
OKay, now that that little episode has passed…
Yeah. “daughter” has two syllables, whereas “son” only has one. That’s like double the syllables! who has that kinda of time?
I’m just buggin. :)
I sleepy.
Thanks for recommending the book, B :) What’s interesting is that in Eastern cultures (Middle East to the East!), parents do actually call their children “my daughter” or “my son”, but always as an affectionate title. I’m sure it was done in Europe back in the day as well.
PS: Our sibling-lives match exactly!
Hey Nefe. That’s funny about our sibling lives.
I love putting my opinions out there like this because all the different responses show me the walls of my reality tunnel and help me think outside it. awesome.